Grief, the Holidays, and Hope – Advent I
By Charles T. Rush, Jr.
December 5, 1993
Psalms 23:
te
and I have a very good friend, a tremendously accomplished
woman, strong and warm, witty and full of mirth. One fall day our
families were eating dinner together and she was just not her usual
self. She was rather cross with her kids which was unusual. She got
about 3 different projects going at the same time- cooking dinner,
entertaining friends, and organizing children- and scurried everywhere
rather frantically. As the night wore on she became somewhat winsome
and then cynical. Finally, she began to tell a story and just began to
weep and she didn't really want any comfort from her husband.
Through these tears she said ‘I just don't know what is
coming over me. I am falling totally apart. I looked at myself in the
mirror after lunch today and thought to myself ‘Charlotte Lynn
pull yourself together'. I went home slightly worried. I ran
into her a couple days later and she began to apologize. She said
‘it's the funniest thing... I realized later that it was the
anniversary of my mother's death. You know I haven't thought
about her for the longest time. She's been dead for 15 years."
Her mother died when she was a young woman. Her mother had been
very accomplished. She taught ballet and for quite some time had been
a choreographer with one of the leading ballet companies in the
country. She suffered from depression from time to time and during one
of her last battle with depression she took her life. Our friend felt
quite abandoned at the time. Afraid, controlled by anxiety. For about
two years after her mothers death, she had panic attacks from time to
time which were quite debilitating when they happened. She got on with
her life after a while but it was difficult.
We were standing on the playground watching our kids in the silence
that friends can share and she said "Isn't it funny the way your
soul can remember things your head has forgotten."
Indeed, it is! Grief is something that happens to us and we simply
respond to it. We do not control grief, it sets the agenda in ways
that we are not fully conscious of. For this reason alone, we have
trouble with this in our culture. What do I mean?
Our immediate region- Summit, Short Hills, Chatham- shares certain
cultural values of success. We are a management culture. We became
successful because we are organized and goal oriented and that is the
realm we spend most of our time in, where we feel most comfortable. We
have a problem, we form a committee, delegate tasks, report back with
proposed solutions, debate, implement and resolve.. We structure
time. We are the masters of the ‘to do list'. You see
people on Saturday morning around town. 7 a.m. jog; drop kids at 8
a.m. soccer; 8:30 dump run; 9:15 price turf builder at Hardware store;
9:30 pick up kids from soccer. We are scheduling; we are efficient; we
are in control. We have defined our lives around setting goals and
achieving them and many of us have achieved considerable success,
leading us to overvalue goal setting in itself.
There is nothing wrong with goal setting. But the fact of the
matter is that some of the most significant things that happen in our
life, we do not plan. They happen to us and we respond and how we
respond reveals our character to ourselves. Just a few lines by way of
example: "You have been drafted". "I am pregnant". "It is
malignant". "The financial aid office is pleased to announce that you
are eligible..." "I am sorry to have to inform you..."
They happen to us and we respond. We cannot block out time for
them. We cannot structure them in order. Most of the time crises seem
to come in bunches- bam, bam, bam- like a set of killer waves in the
ocean.
Grief is like this. We respond to it. When a loved one dies or we
experience the loss of something significant- like in divorce or the
loss of a job that was our identity- we are overwhelmed by some of the
most powerful emotions we will experience in our life and we do not set
the agenda, these emotions do.
That is why grieving is a kind of responsive management. We are
responding to the rhythms of our soul.
The holiday season usually presents some special challenges for
people who are in grief. The family is gathered together, frequently
going through some rituals that you have gone through together for
years. And when someone significant is missing from those rituals
about the only thing you notice is that great, big empty chair. [As
Joni Mitchell says in one of her songs ‘the bed's too big;
the frying pan's too wide."]
I want to share a couple of things today to think about with
grief. I have two parts: some words to those of us who have to
encounter and deal with people grieving and a few reminders for those
who are in grief. This is some basic teaching and if you are not going
through this right now, listen up anyway, you will go through it
sometime. That is a garauntee.
For those Encountering Grief
Barbara LesStrang has put together a nice little piece for us
novices who have to let others do their grieving and we don't have
a clue. As a Minister, I have heard some truly ‘boneheaded'
remarks over the years at funerals from well meaning people who were
clueless. I heard a woman last week that the thing she feared the most
after her husband died was shopping because when you are going down the
aisle with your grocery cart and you encounter one of these boneheads
there is no place to run. She used to shop before 7 and after 10 for a
year.
I understand this. Death is uncomfortable. We don't know
what to say. We don't know how to communicate our care. We
don't know how to be helpful. And some of us haven't dealt
with our own anxieties about death enough, so when we see other people
dealing with death, emotionally we just want to run away.
Let me run over a few basic do's and don'ts. A lot of us
are not sure what to say to people. Ms. LesStrang writes this "
Please don't tell me that you know ‘just how I feel'
.
No one will ever really understand just how I feel. And in your desire
to comfort me, don't offer comments like ‘you're
attractive, you can marry again,' or ‘Now, now, don't
cry- you must be strong', or, ‘You can always have another
child', or, unbelievably ‘You're lucky it was only your
mother'" Unless you have gone through a similar death, you really
don't know how they feel. Anyway, that is not really all that
important for communicating care to begin with.
Presence is a lot more important here than profound insight. Just
focus on demonstrating care and support. You can say ‘I am sorry
for your loss'. Then don't be afraid of some silence.
Silence is okay. You can say ‘you must be in a lot of
pain'. That is clearly the case. You can ask ‘how are
you?'
Then this ‘
I need to know that you care about me.
I need to feel your touch, your hugs. But don't worry over what
to say to me about my loss. In the beginning, I probably won't
remember anyhow. I need you just to be with me. And I need to be with
you. And please don't leave me alone for long periods of time
feeling that your presence would be an intrusion. More than ever
before, I need to be with people who care about me. And if you
can't be with me, your phone calls, your letters, or even short
notes sharing your thoughts and feelings about the loss of my loved one
will help me far more than you ever know. It's very comforting to
me to know that you share my grief.' Check in. You don't
need an agenda, just do it. Perhaps the most important thing you can
do is listen, sometimes to the same things more than once. That is not
weird, it is part of the process of our souls catching up to our head.
Intellectually we know people are dead, but emotionally we are
‘letting go' a little bit at a time.
And a special word for church folks. "
Please don't ell me, either, that this death was really God's
will- or that God needs the presence of my loved one more than I do.
This may cause me to doubt God just when I need God the most." If you
do, you usually just add to the length of my week, for most of the
recipients of these comments usually end up in my office demanding an
explanation of this pernicious God. " And please, don't suggest
that I take a pill or offer me a drink to ‘help me' get
through this trying time. Rather, encourage me to eat properly, to
rest and to exercise and, as much as I am able to, to maintain a
healthy lifestyle." Drunkenness doesn't heal the pain, it simply
numbs it. It is not an efficient way of dealing with deep emotions.
It is merely a temporary displacement. These emotions need to come to
the surface, honestly and straight forward. Booze only compounds the
emotions or delays their onset.
Especially in those early phases of grief, shortly after someone
dies "
don't worry if I behave strangely.
Remember that I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am
struggling to cope with many frightening thoughts and unwanted
feelings, and to live in a world that now no longer includes my loved
one. I may feel overwhelmed. I may feel afraid, I may even feel
guilty. I may also feel rage or deep despair. And I may confuse
easily. I may realize I am becoming more and more forgetful, and at
time I may even believe that I am losing my mind. But above all, I
hurt. Grief is a pain that is unlike any pain I have ever felt in my
life."
Maybe because of the strange behavior that scares us. Sometimes we
are afraid to mention a loved one that has passed. But don't be.
"
I need to talk about my loss.
Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself to face the reality of
the death of my loved one." Don't be afraid to mention the loved
one who is dead because they are not simply gone just because they are
dead. They are always present even if they are not seen and it is Okay
to acknowledge that. Over time, people will begin to form a new
relationship with people that they have lost, but they are never
vanquished from memory.
So
I need you to believe in me.
And I need for you to believe in my ability to get through this grief
in my own time and in my own way. Please don't tell me that it is
time for me to get on with my life. I am probably saying this to
myself. Each of us is different. Each loss is unique. I may move
through my grief more quickly than another or I may move more slowly.
I just need for you to be patient with me now- for you to try to
understand." Children may feel that Mom really needs to get out of her
shell and dress the tree at Christmas time just like we always did.
Get out the lights, make some egg nog, and do it. You may feel that
way but don't try to set an agenda for your loved ones and force
them to go through with it. Chances are it is your discomfort needs
that are being addressed rather than theirs. People need time. In
grief, we experience some of the deepest emotions of our life.
Furthermore, we discover not only our strengths but our weaknesses.
And when a weakness is exposed, a vulnerability, it is difficult to get
past that quickly. Part of healing is mastering these parts of
ourselves and we can only handle so much at a time. Try to let people
in grief set the agenda for themselves. It is an important way of
demonstrating that you are truly a friend.
A Word for those in Grief
Secondly, I want to say a couple of things to people that are in
the midst of grief that you need to be reminded about. Margie Kennedy
- Reeves puts out a thoughtful publication called
AfterLoss
and she has made a couple of suggestions that I pass on this morning.
"Thanksgiving and Christmas are, for most families, fond and
familiar harbingers of time, for they seem to have a way of filling our
memories with warm and peerless glimpses of good times shared with the
people we love the most.
"What happens then, when suddenly one of these people is gone? The
holidays still rush headlong onto the scene in their old familiar time
slot. People all around you are making their usual plans. They are
shopping and baking and decking the halls; dancing and prancing and
acting as if they didn't notice the broken heart you're
wearing.
"They try to cheer you with their laughter, include you in the
gaiety, and it is obvious that few can understand your numbing pain.
There are no special privileges or parking places for those who are
crippled with grief. But the newly bereaved often watch from the
sidelines of their minds: detached, emotionally fragile and afraid.
In watching the merriment of others, their alienation seems complete.
"What is there to celebrate, when all the joy seems to have gone
out of your life? Many grieving people have said they wished it were
possible to sleep through the entire holiday season without having any
knowledge of its existence. Instead of anticipating a joyful
celebration, these special days are often painful reminders of our
loss, pointing up the reality that things can never be the same.
"No one wants to impose their sadness on others, and to do so at
holiday time seems unthinkable. And so the newly grief-stricken person
may go through all of the motions, and do so admirably, for the sake of
family members or friends. Some people actually become physically or
emotionally ill for days or weeks following a time of celebration where
they felt it was necessary to pretend for the sake of others."
There are things you can do to help yourself and to help those
around you to make this as productive a time as possible.
First,
plan ahead.
Especially when you know that certain things are going to be
difficult. There are many of us who have design a rather full schedule
for ourselves during this time of the year. It is likely to be
overwhelming when tinged with grief at every turn. You not only need
to plan less and give yourself more time for breaks, you need to think
about being able to escape if you need to. That is not being selfish.
It is paying attention to the rhythms of your soul and knowing when
enough is enough.
To the best that you are able
identify your feelings.
I grew up in a tradition in the South of great Stoicism. We were very
strong for others. We didn't express our feelings. We just got
through tough times with grit and determination. The problem is that
if you are not honest, people will think you are doing better than you
are, and they won't check in later on when loneliness is acute.
Be honest without being onerous.
Furthermore,
set the tone for what kind of celebration you want to have.
Families are funny about their traditions. My in-laws have a wonderful
tradition at Christmas. After the Christmas dinner at the dining room
table with the China and the silver and the candles all lit, we hoist
the latest new born on the table and let them walk down the middle of
the table. No one has any idea where it got started or what it is
supposed to mean but we do it year after year. Many of these are the
wonderful idiosyncrasies of our family life but sometimes they need to
be changed. Maybe you should let someone else do the cooking this
year. Maybe the gathering should be at someone else's house.
Maybe. There is a time when things need to be changed.
And they won't be unless you
state your needs.
I know that this is difficult because a number of people in grief
don't exactly know that they need. But other people cannot read
your mind either and they need help to know how to be compassionate.
To the degree that you are able, tell people what you need.
Finally,
allow other people to grieve differently.
Deaths in families affect everyone differently because the one that
passed had a different relationship with each member of the family.
Their memories are different and the shape and scope of their grieving
is different. I knew a brother and sister who lost their father. The
girl became deeply involved in exercise and was nearly anorexic for a
year. Her brother slept all of the time. Each loss was personal.
Pain is not comparable. Ways of grieving are unique to the
individual. Let other people have a different space for this than
you.
This is a lot of advice and that is not my style. But I pass these
things on which I have received because sometimes we need some basic
instruction,
Grief and hope are related. Grief need not be an unmentionable
downer to be avoided at all costs. It is a constitutive part of our
lives. When it is done well, it can be very healing, intimate, caring,
authentic, growthful, and loving. It can remind us of what our living
is all about in the first place.
______________________________
i
LesStrang, Barbara "After My Loss". A brief catalogue of aphorisms
about grief, it can be ordered by writing to: Harbor House (West)
Publishers, Box 2545, Rancho Mirage, CA 92270.
ii
Kennedy Reeves, Margie. "Handling the Holidays", Harbor House West,
1996.
