Expansive Grace and Envious Grumbling
By Charles Rush
October 12, 1997
Matthew 10: 1-16
have been recently reading an
interesting book on leadership by Richard Farson where he calls into
question a number of platitudes about leadership and management. One
of them is the notion that we 'learn from our mistakes' In fact, that
is not true, despite the fact that we repeat this maxim over and over.
Most of us continue to make the very same mistakes repeatedly
throughout our life because the most characteristic mistakes are who we
are in fact.
Conversely, the whole business of
leadership training seminars is predicated on the notion that we learn
from other people's success. That is why corporations spend top nickel
for highly successful people to come tell their employees how they did
it. After 30 years in the business, Farson has concluded that this is
not true either. This is what he says that caught my attention, not
only as a leader, but also especially as a Minister.
"While we may think we are motivated by hearing about the success
of others, believe it or not, little is more encouraging or energizing
that learning about or witnessing another's failure, especially if it
is an expert. [Think, for example, the sheer joy that hack golfers
exhibit, when Tiger Woods shanks one into the water]. But there is an
even stronger reason why we can learn from the failures. It has to do
with our ability as human beings to relate better to people in their
failures than in their successes, and to learn more in the process.
The psychologist Carl Rogers used
to say that he didn't really know how to talk to people unless they
were talking to him about a problem they had. At first I thought that
was an unfortunate limitation in his personality. But then I came to
realize that to some extent it was true for me too, that I related to
people so much better when they were talking to me about their failures
than about their successes. I have since noticed this is true of
people generally. Very few of us are capable of responding to
another's success with the same sensitivity and wholeheartedness that
we extend to that person's failure. Few of us also have the insight or
the honesty of author Gore Vidal, who remarked, 'Whenever a friend
succeeds, a little something in me dies." But it is more than
that. Responding to failure seems to bring out something good in us.
It is less easy for us to share the experience of success than to
share the experience of failure.
"Perhaps that's why gossip is
such a unifying force. We attach to gossip the most derogatory terms,
yet is probably the single most community-building and social-bonding
experience we have. Gossip seldom revolves around the description of
others' successes, however, because sharing stories of other's troubles
is what brings us together."
It is those hushed conversations around the lunch table at work, on the
patio at the cocktail party, which is the glue that unites us.
This is curious fact and a
spiritual insight worthy of highlighting. In our story this morning,
we have what I think is one of Jesus' central teachings- the expansive
character of grace and the envious character of grumbling. We have a
group of workers grumbling at quitting time. Why? The first group was
hired for a full day's wages at the beginning of the day. They were
not ripped off or bargained down. The boss didn't get them on the
cheap. He paid them union wage and benefit. And they happily agreed
to go to work. In fact, they are probably happy all the day long, and
why not be- they have work and a fair wage. They will come home with
food for the children and maybe something special for the Mrs..
Then come people at noon and another group at 3 in the afternoon. At
the end of the day. The owner is incredibly beneficent and simply pays
them a full day's wage anyhow.
Now the first group grumbles. They
are now unhappy. They do not say 'Whoa good for you guys getting a
full days wage. Maybe you'll buy a round of beer.' No. They say 'it's
not fair'. From the time we are 3 years old, we have developed this
sense of justice. And from that time, we most often invoke the need
for justice when we perceive that our needs are not being met. Now we
invoke fairness. Now we need justice.
Take two four year olds at Nursery
school. A kid is happily playing with a truck in the sandbox. Then he
notices that Max has two trucks. Now he is unhappy and he goes to the
teacher, voice shaking with emotion. "Kate, Max has two trucks
and I only have one, it's not fair". Kate will say "Now
Noah, you have a wonderful truck and you love your truck. Why don't we
just go over to this sandbox and you can have the whole sandbox to
yourself?" And this is a real line from little Noah "Max has
ruined all of my happiness". Isn't that a great line 'Max has
ruined all of my happiness'?
Frequently, we would be perfectly
content left to ourselves. It is only when we compare ourselves to
others that the grumbling begins. As the saying goes. "Nothing
depreciates a car faster than having a neighbor buy a new one." Or
we might update that for our town in the 90's "Nothing makes you
feel so cramped in your domicile as the handsome addition on your
neighbors home." It has been said that you can divide the world
into two groups of people, those who think there will be enough for
everyone and those who are convinced that if others get more, somehow
they will not get enough. Which camp are you in most of the time?
And it is not just about material
things either. One time someone asked Henry Kissinger why the fights
on the faculty at Harvard were so prolonged and intense. He had a
great response. He said 'because there is so little at stake'.
Apparently Harvard Don's can hold a grudge far longer than Robert
MacNamara or Nyung Din Thieu. I used to think that scholars ought to
be the most generous class in society because if you take out the
corrupting influence of power and the seduction of money, and you mix
in a broad appreciation of the humanities, you should have true
gentleman and ladies. And you do of course. There is often terrific
wit and charm at lunch. But it is also the case, that when you take
out power and money, all you have left is reputation. Bolstering
reputation, guarding, promoting reputation can be full time work and
can exercise the ego far more than the crass exploitation of power and
money.
Plato and Xenephon were
contemporaries. Both were students of Socrates. Both ran in the same
circle of eminent Greek citizens. Both knew each other. Both were
voluminous writers. And yet, neither one of them ever mentioned the
other a single time in their work. They treated each other as if their
reputation were of no regard. This may be the cruelest cut that envy
can muster.
In this regard envy is not a
productive by-product of competition. It has been said that envy is
the consuming desire 'to have everybody as unsuccessful as you are'
(Fredrick Buechner). When it is full blown, envy is somewhat different
from greed or competitiveness. 'Unlike a greedy person, the person
afflicted by envy (phthonos) does not necessarily want the goods they
resent another having; they simply don't want others to have them.
They differ from a competitive person in that their aim is not to win
but to keep others from winning.' (Anchor Bible Dictionary, p. 529).
The Germans used to call this condition 'schadenfruede'. It is when
you relish in the demise of your neighbor. And neighbor is not very
helpful in our culture because we are too mobile. You are most likely
to allow your imagination to have free rein with envious thoughts with
colleagues, with siblings, with very close friends. These are people
you are most likely to really measure your self-esteem against. [On
the phone with your fantastically successful sister. "Oh dear,
I'm so sorry your husband drove the Mercedes through the garage and
into your living room Just before the party and Mayor Guliani coming
too terrible. Maybe you can call your interior decorator and now you
can trade in the Magenta curtains for something in chartreuse].
Envious grumbling is not about
others and what they have. The real issue is about us. It is about
our self-esteem and self-acceptance. This is fundamentally a spiritual
issue as Jesus illustrates. It is about the anxious fear that we have
that we are not measuring up, that we are not lovable, that we are not
as cool as other people. It is about our fear that we are not going to
be taken care of by others or by God. It is about our anxieties over
our perceived deficiency and our fears that our deficiency is going to
expose us in a vulnerable way. It is about allowing our fears to
control us, unleashing negative spiritual emotions towards others as a
defensive technique. As the Jewish proverb notes 'Love is blind. Envy
sees too much.' The poet Joan Didion is right. She says 'to cure
jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction with self.'
Jesus contrasts our envious
grumbling with the expansive grace of God, which is the only real
antidote. We have to experience the profound acceptance of God in our
lives and know that we are okay just like we are. Grace has to get
into us, into our very pores, not just cover the image that we
carefully manage for others to see. Grace has to pour over all of us.
We don't have to use competition with others for our sense of well
being. We don't have to be motivated negatively, driven by our fears
and anxieties. God offers us a positive spiritual center and a
positive spiritual energy. Jesus tells us that God loves us and frees
us to love one another.
I have come to realize that it
takes a conversion of the heart before we can genuinely pull for each
other. . It is not simple to sustain positive spiritual energy. But
this is the message of Jesus. Jesus encourages us to draw on positive
spiritual energy, to empower others and lift them up. This takes a
conversion of the heart and mind. Others report that this was the
magnetism of Mother Theresa, that when you were in her presence you
were lifted up by her positive spiritual energy.
One of the most powerful and simple things that we can do to release
positive spiritual energy for one another is to bless each other. You
can begin with your children. Parents should single out their kids,
lay your hands on them and pray together that God will bless them with
wisdom, character, compassion, understanding, grace, and love. And
your spouse you should bless them often. Dionne Warwick's wonderful
song 'Each morning I wake up/ before I put on my make up/ I say a
little prayer for you.'
From time to time, someone in the
congregation will pop into my head reasons I can't always articulate.
And I have learned to take a moment and stop. I hold the image of them
in my mind for a moment and I ask God to bless them with grace.
I know that each of us is
surrounded by negative emotions and negative spiritual impulses by our
jobs and the values of the marketplace which impact us directly and
indirectly. I know that we are periodically swamped with challenges
and frustrations that give an opening for the release of our negative
side. So I stop from time to time and pray for positive spirituality
to engulf you. You ought to try this too. As you go through the day
at work, pray for a blessing on your colleagues. When you are having a
difficult negotiation, pray for the release of positive spiritual
energy. For your loved ones, pray God's blessing on them.
I think of it as opening a
channel. Jesus suggests that there is a reciprocal relationship
between our praying and our activity towards others. Each week we pray
'forgive us (horizontal) as we forgive others'. We open the channel of
divine love as we love one another. We open the flow of grace as we
bless others and ask God's grace upon them.
And here is another phenomenon
about grumbling. It doesn't necessarily end when our needs are met. A
lot of you are thinking 'well if I just had enough power, if I just had
a big pile of money' I wouldn't grumble. Not exactly.
"Psychologist Abraham Maslow
advised mangers to listen not for the presence or absence of
complaints, but rather to what people were complaining about- that is
the quality or level of complaint. He called them grumbles. In the
least healthy organizations, Maslow said, you can expect to hear
low-order grumbles-complaints about working conditions, about what he
called 'deficiency needs.' For example 'I don't get paid enough' or
'It's too hot in here.'
"In a healthier organization,
Maslow said, there would be high-order grumbles- complaints that extend
beyond the self to more altruistic concerns: 'did you hear what
happened to the people over in Plant Two? They really got cheated.' Or
'We need better safety standards around here'. But in a very healthy
organization, there would be 'metagrumbles'- complaints having to so
with needs for self-actualization: 'I don't feel that my talents are
being fully utilized'. Or, 'I don't feel that I'm in on things enough
around here."
The great irony, of course, is that it is only when people's talents
are being used and when they are being included that it ever occurs to
them that this is an issue to complain about.
Likewise, we tendency towards
envious grumbling does not necessarily disappear when our lower order
needs are met. If anything, the temptation is magnified. Think of
marriage. On the whole, the institution of marriage has been getting
better and better throughout the 20th century. In the beginning part
of the century, the divorce rate was low and hardly anyone went for
counseling. They just gutted it out. As our marriages got better and
better, people began to expect more from marriage and when a number of
the remedial needs were met, they began to seek out counseling in order
to achieve deeper intimacy, trust, and love. Today, the divorce rate
is higher and people grumble more about their marriages than they did
in 1920, in part, because they are so much better and we expect so much
more fulfillment out of marriage than they did then.
As with marriage, so with so many
other areas of our lives. We have a rising standard of expectation
which means that the temptation to grumbling increases as we have
more. It doesn't go away. And the very root anxieties about our
selves, our fears about not being acceptable, increase. They do not
decrease.
Jesus calls us to a manner of
living where we consciously stand against the negative spiritual energy
that anxiety releases. Jesus calls us to release the expansive spirit
of grace in our midst, to build one another up, to bless one another.
This doesn't mean that we have no criticism of each other or that it is
all sweet gushy butter. No. But it does mean that we regularly lift
each other up and say "I want the best for you. I want you to be
all that God has in store for you". We are the people that
release blessing on each other.
Amen
Farson, Richard. The Management of the Absurd (New York: Touchstone,
p 113-114)
Ibid. p. 93-94.