Taking Responsibility
By Charles Rush
February 29, 2004
Mk. 1: 12-13
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rlier
this
week, watching The Passion, I was
struck by the way that Jesus is paraded before the High Priests, then Pilate,
the Governor of the region Herod, then back to Pilate, then back to the High
Priests, all of whom agree that he is a kook or a threat to civil unrest, none
of whom want to be responsible for dealing with him. Likewise, Judas and Peter
are also off the hook. Something awful happens, everyone is involved, but no
one is responsible.
As we enter
the season of Lent, we can productively look for a moment at taking
responsibility. It is surely a central spiritual theme of Lent and curiously
difficult for humans to do.
The examples
in the past decade among our public figures in American life are legion. Clearly,
in our recent
memory, the locus classicus of evasive obfustication goes to President Clinton's testimony on his
relationship with Monica Lewinsky. After saying he had not had sexual relations
with her, one Congressman asked him, "Mr. President, were you physically
intimate with Monica Lewinsky?"
The president responded, "When I was alone
with Ms. Lewinsky on certain occasions in early 1996, and once in early 1997, I
engaged in conduct that was wrong. These encounters did not consist of sexual
intercourse. They did not constitute sexual relations, as I understood that
term to be defined at my January
17th, 1998 deposition."
This left the
congressman curious and befuddled and he followed up with a question on whether
oral sex was included in the definition of sexual relations. Whereupon the
President responded, "It depends upon what the meaning of the
word is means. If is means is, and never has been, that's one thing. If it
means, there is none, that was a completely true statement." As one of my
relatives remarked at the time, "I don't know what the hell that means but
I know I'm not buying a used car from him now or ever."
The
President is not alone. We seem to have a real problem taking responsibility
for our actions and acknowledging this publicly. "Never apologize and never
explain," John Wayne growled in his 1949 epic She Wore a Yellow ribbon".[1] That
seems to have been the norm for a couple decades following the movie.
At
some point late in the century, we morphed into the non-apology apology. Examples
around us are numerous. You may recall the President of the Detroit Lions, Matt
Millen, who remarked a few months ago that one of his former wide receivers,
Johnnie Morton was, in his words, "a faggot." Afterwards Mr. Millen
gave a classic non-apology apologia when he said, "I apologize if I
offended anyone." The operative word here is if.[2]
Admittedly,
we don't expect very much from athletes, at least not until they become
politicians. Another stark example comes from Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mr. Universe, Mr. Terminator turned Mr. Governator
of California.
Recall that during his brief campaign, he was accused of sexual harassment by
several women when he was pumping steel professionally. As Jim Buzinski noted, "He denied some allegations, but
said others might be true, then tried to end the matter by saying, “If anyone
was offended, I apologize, because that was not my intention.” Is this a new
legal defense? “I'm sorry, your honor, my intention was to molest her while she
was sleeping, but she woke up and I apologize if I disturbed her sleep.” [3]
Amazingly, it didn't seem to cost him anything politically.
But
it did Senator Trent Lott. Senator Lott was attending the 100th birthday party
for Strom Thurmond, when he waxed nostalgic about Strom's run for the
presidency as a segregationist in 1948. "I want to say this about my
state. When Strom Thurmond ran for president, we voted for him. We're proud of
it. And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had
all these problems over all these years, either."
Problems? Turns out the problems were Senator Lott's. And
they only got worse when he issued a non-apology apology. He said, "I
apologize to anyone who was offended by my statement".[4]
This
evasiveness has slid over into the financial and corporate sectors as well. You
may recall the lengthy investigation by the New York Attorney General into the
brokerage houses that had numerous e-mails from brokers that were advising
their clients to buy inflated technology stocks at the same time they were
mailing each other catty comments about how worthless these stocks really were.
It was settled with an out of court settlement, ducking all around. But shortly
thereafter, Stanley O'Neal, the CEO at Merril Lynch
wrote a piece in the Wall Street Journal in which he not only evaded an
apology, he indirectly attacked the law suit against them saying, "To
teach investors that they should be insulated from [market] forces… does both
them and the economy a disservice."[5] So,
deceitful advice is actually good for us???
Finally,
there is the phenomenon of apologizing for the wrong thing. Back in 2002 an e-utlitity company NSTAR moved about 24,000 of it's customers
from normal service to 'default service', a much more expensive category.
Rather than admit that they had done this improperly, they issued a general mea
culpa that apologized for "any inconvenience we may have caused our
customers." The problem is that no one was much concerned about their inconvenience, they were concerned about being transferred
without being told ahead of time, the implication being that unless they
noticed, it would have been okay. The tepid apology actually caused more havoc
for the company because now their credibility fell even further.[6]
Finally, lest we let religion off the hook here. I note the
explanation for the attacks on the World Trade Center by the
Rev. Jerry Falwell with Pat Robertson on the '700
Club' television show, literally a day or so after the attack. Said Rev. Falwell, "I really believe that the pagans, and the
abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively
trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, the People for the
American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the
finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'" How? Collectively
they removed the veil of support that God had over America.
Rev.
Falwell never issued an apology and there really
isn't one to issue. It really should come from his church the Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg that
should apologize to the country for ever hiring someone so
profoundly stupid as their spiritual leader.
Jesus
taught us that growth in the spiritual life is not about being right all the
time. It is not about being perceived as strong. It is about growing and
becoming better. It is about learning from our mistakes and going forward.
Obviously,
we can't grow from our mistakes unless we admit that we make them. No question,
it is easier to admit mistakes with people that you trust, with people that
support you and are committed to your growth and acceptance. At least, they
won't use your weakness against you. That is why God instituted the Church. We
are to be for each other that kind of support where we can admit that we are
wrong and do the things that make for growth, change, that make amends.
But
you know what? This spiritual insight has so permeated Western culture that it
remains largely true even in arena's that are full of sharks that would wound
the weak if they could- in politics, in the corporate sector, in the public
realm. Generally speaking, over all, people make a place for mistakes
acknowledged that are accompanied by changed actions. Generally speaking,
people have an unspoken respect for that. It is rarely as fearful as people
imagine it will be at the outset.
The
worst position you can be in is that of the former New Jersey Nets basketball
player, Jayson Williams, who is on trial for
manslaughter. It appears that after a night of excessive drinking, he shot a
man. Instead of owning responsibility for it, he orchestrated an elaborate
cover-up that unraveled quickly. Now he has to explain both mistakes and is
very unlikely to garner any sympathy from the jury or the general public.
Apologies
are very important, whether they are public events or whether you are
apologizing to a family member or a friend. A relationship has been broken.
Trust has eroded. The meaning of being reconciled is putting it back together.
And this is the established spiritual process for doing it.
The
first thing to do, is admit to yourself that you were
wrong. This is often the hardest thing to do. It is embarrassing, particularly
the more public it is. We would all be better off if we daily repeated the
dictum of Deitrich Bonhoffer
that "we are not righteous saints, but forgiven sinners". What that
means for all of us. Your need to be right? Your need to be perceived by others as right? Get over it.
It is an impediment to your spiritual authenticity and you'll be even more
accepted when people sense that you are genuine and sincere.
You
have to own your mistakes. Usually that means you have to pray about change.
The older we get, the less likely we are to make mistakes that are abberant. Usually they reflect well worn issues of
character that we need to continue to work on, this mistake just being the
latest instance.
Secondly,
'find words that are accurate'[7] Other people want to know that you 'get it', that you
understand 'your stuff'. And just because you made a mistake does not mean you
have to apologize for the whole situation or the whole world. That sounds
self-pitying and deflects real ownership. State as exactly as you can what is
your stuff.
Thirdly,
don't apologize for the wrong thing.[8] Just
like the customers at NSTAR didn't want to hear an apology for the
inconvenience that they were caused, so your spouse is not helped by hearing
that you forgot their birthday because you were overbooked with work travel.
They want to know that you are aware you are not paying attention, not making
them important enough. If you deflect attention away from the issue, you
actually increase the mistrust. Others think you are either boneheaded, you're
covering something else up, or you are not trust worthy- probably a combination
of all three.
Fourth,
figure out the appropriate context and venue for an apology. Whether it is face
to face or written; Whether it is one on one or in a
small group all depends. And it makes a difference when you are communicating
to people above you versus people that report to you. The important thing is to
do it in a way that demonstrates respect for others and encourages others to
respond respectfully. It should not put others on the spot, nor communicate
that you are doing this only grudgingly. Rather, it should reinforce the
principal on which the relationship works and makes clear that the restoration
of that relationship on grounds of integrity is the goal.
Fifth,
don't emote in the place of accuracy. It is not usually helpful for others just
to hear that you are really, really, really, really, really, really…. Really sorry." Save that for the mirror or your
meditation before sleep. God doesn't actually care about our regret. God
is interested in our repentance. God wants changed behavior more than simple
remorse. And so do other people. Emotion is okay, and a usual component
in young relationships because they really do feel deeply in a new and
different way than before, but the focus is on behavior and a change thereof.
Sixth,
remember that "I want to apologize is not an apology yet."[9] Not
anymore than "I want to get in shape" is a fitness program. Don't
reach for the cliché, stand over against the temptation to go vague.
Finally,
let it go and let God, as they say in AA. Once you have given an apology
genuinely, it is no longer in your control. It may be received, it may not. You
might get a second chance, you might not. That is not the point. This is about
you, internally most of all. You can't control the responses of other people.
That will take care of itself in the fullness of time. It may not always be
warm gushy butter just because you named the problem. I remember Captain Furillo on the T.V. Show 'Hill Street Blues'. He fell off
the wagon, did some really stupid, hurtful things. He goes to his wife Joyce,
is as open and honest as he can be. She has been through this before. All he
gets is a long, long look from her, a kind of penetrating gaze.
Spiritually,
trust is like that. It is built up a thin layer at a time, one coat after
another over a long period of time. And you can break the whole sheet with just
a few gaffing mistakes. Repair takes a long time. Jesus just said that it was
important. He never said that it was easy or quick.
But
it can be profound. About 25 years ago, a colleague of mine was driving down
the road in Florida where
he was attending a conference. He was idly driving in a town he had never been
in, thinking about this and that, when a young boy of 11 ran, seemingly out of
nowhere in front of his car and he hit the boy.
What
followed was a blur, calling the ambulance, waiting, talking to the police,
seeing the boy's mother in the distance. At some point in the next couple of
days, the boy died.
He
didn't really remember anything about the conference or anything else about Florida, but this
one section of tape in his memory. At odd times of the day, somewhat out of his
control, that tape would come on again, only this time he would be paying
better attention, this time he would see things differently, this time some
miracle would happen and the whole crash would be avoided.
As
the days turned into weeks, turned into months, the tapes continued and he just
felt terrible, indeed haunted by his conscience and like he was in a holding
pattern in his life.
Again,
he has to be in Florida and
when he gets there, he gets out the phone book, finds the family of this boy,
and picks up the phone, puts it down, picks it up, puts it down… At some point,
he finally made the call, introduced himself to the boys Father and asked to
see him. They made an appointment, and he drove several cities away to see
them.
He
gets to the house, sits in the living room with them. After a long silence he
tells them that he has tried many times to rewrite the tape from that day but
he can't and that words could not get around their loss but he wanted them to
know how sorry he was for what he had done…
There
was a long silence… and after a while, the mother of the boy just started
telling stories about her son, about what he was like as a baby and a child.
One just tumbled into the next. They sat there together as she told them,
sometimes with tears, sometimes laughing… It went on for quite a while. At some
point the father stood up and my friend stood up too, thinking it was time to
go.
The
father reached out his hand and held my friends hand in his and he looked him
in the eye and said simply, 'I forgive you.' My friend says that it is still
difficult for him to talk about what he felt at that moment, it was so full and
complex.
Much
later, he reported that as a Minister, he had often preached on the subject of
grace, but really experiencing it was something else all together. Being released from the bind of the past… being freed. That
can happen and it is an enormous spiritual power for good in our lives.
But
in the going, trust God. Amazing changes are possible- in yourself and in
others too. At the end of the day, that is the point anyway. We worship the God
who continually proclaims, 'Behold I make all thing new.' Even you… yes, even
you. Amen.
