Cultivating a Life of Gratitude
By Charles Rush
November 5, 2006
Colossians 3: 12-15
[ Audio
(mp3, 5.4Mb) ]
ltivate a life of Gratitude” says St. Paul. I would add to that the observation of Cicero “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.” How true that is.
Most of us lose
our way with gratitude during the middle of the year because we are so focused
on the competition that is all around us. In the back of our minds, we remind
ourselves of what we don't have… we keep thinking that if we only get to here,
then things will start to pan out for us. We worry that we are being taken for
granted, that we are not being appreciated, that we are not cashing out like so
many people we know… We succumb to our anxieties and our vanities at the same
time. Henry Ward Beecher once said, "A proud man is seldom a grateful man,
for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves." This disposition
encourages a certain amount of carping, whining, sarcastic observation,
sometimes even a 'I told you so' when things aren't
breaking our way. It is a kind of deflective armor that keeps potential
disappointment from gravely wounding our psyche. But the next thing you know,
we are living a low-grade angst and we find the joie d'vivre
elusive.
We wish could
have it back like the lead character in 'Shakespeare in Love'. After she has
had a dizzying enfatuation with William Shakespeare
and opens herself completely to romance and has a full night of passion with
this most unlikely boyfriend, her Maid knocks on her door and says "Madam,
it's a new day". Redolent with élan she says, "No, it is a whole new
world." The colors of the day are suddenly vibrant. Her face is full of
glow. Hope is brimming with optimism. Life is full of expectation and promise
and possibility. Bring on the adventure and bring it on now. Suddenly we are
grateful to be alive with all of the beauty that it has to offer.
Cheryl Crowe
is probably right, "it's not getting what you want. It's
wanting what you got" she sings in a pop song. And a life of
gratitude is more substantial than merely the admixture of pherones
that cause us heady blush in the early stages of romance. It is something we
must come back to many times in our life.
I had this
framed on the broadest existential level when I was a chaplain in the emergency
room at the University Hospital in Louisville. During one week, I watched 7 people
die in the sweltering summer heat. Death itself is spiritually fatiguing
enough. But the urban poverty of Louisville might as well have been an episode
of 'The Wire' HBO's newest show about the hood. It brought with it a dimension
of tragedy that verged on the absurd at times.
That week it
was one brother killing another. The were both my age,
23 and 25. I never did really get the full story. But one of them had kids, had
gotten off drugs, was back in school. The other one
everyone suspected was dealing cocaine. At any rate, they got into a dispute
over $50. For brothers, it is always more than $50. But when you are jacked up
on coke and alcohol for enough days in a row, it might just be about $50 too. Words
turned loud. One was ejecting the other from his house or a party, a brief
struggle ensued. The other one pulled out a gun and shot his brother in the
chest.
The ER crew
transfused the wounded brother but not fast enough. I remember walking into the
waiting room with the attending Resident to tell this 20 year old wife that her
husband was dead. She looked at us and started to cringe before we spoke
looking down at our feet and said out loud, "This is not good. This is not
good." We both looked down. Our shoes were stained red and my khaki pants
were splattered at the bottom, reflecting the state of the ER floor.
Death itself
was enough but there was something about the sheer stupidity and tragedy of the
way that young man died, the carelessness, the needlessness- the aimless idiocy
of addiction and anger. I would just become leaden and hardened. You would feel
but you wouldn't really feel. You could take in quite a wide range of stuff
because the world is full of such a wide range that doesn't make sense. I used
to walk outside and smoke but that just made me calm and nervous at the same
time. There was no actual way to really resolve those visceral images, the fear
in his wife's eyes, the sense that this should have all been avoided to begin
with.
I found myself
migrating up to the 6th floor and standing outside the window of the Maternity
ward when I was off duty. I just stood there and watched the babies and the
nurses picking them up and attending to their needs. It wasn't a resolution but
new life is an antidote. I just found myself needing to see some promise, some
hope, some future.
This goes on
for two or three days and I'm starting to become a fixture. One of the nurses
sees me out there, looks at my badge, walks outside and stands next to me for a
while just looking at the babies with me. She says to me, "would you like
to hold one for a while?" I was a little taken aback, until it occurred to
me that there are a lot of crying babies and just a couple nurses. I said,
'sure' and she robed me up and I walked that baby back and forth til she fell asleep. Then I went back down to the ER.
That was sort
of the summer, death down in the ER, and every so often, walking babies around
the Maternity Ward, moving between the antinomy of tragedy and hope, between
'coming to be' and 'ceasing to be'.
As an adult,
that antinomy keeps coming back to me with regularity. Just when I start
worrying that my child's life won't be fulfilling unless they go to this great
camp, or that I'm not successful unless I've done x, y, and z or that I really,
really need a new car, computer, whatever… then someone dies like Eileen Helmer this week- aged 43- left behind 6 children… When
they were little, I was just grateful I could get all of my kids under the covers
for some group hugging and now that they are bigger, they do that with their
families. Life itself is a wonder, a mystery. I'm grateful to be part of it.
No, we don't get to get too far removed from gratitude
about the sheer fact of being here.
I think that
is why every grandparent I've ever met gets misty with the birth of their
grandchildren. They are overcome with a simple, profound gratitude that they
lived to be part of this moment. Bill Cosby says that 'Grandchildren are God's
gift to parents for not killing their children as teenagers.' But that is only
one dimension of it. Grandparents also know all of the mistakes they made. They
have a pretty good sense that they don't deserve this new birth. In spiritual
terms, this is a 'grace filled event'. It has an almost inexpressible fulfillment like the character Simeon in
the Christmas story who was waiting for the birth of
the Messiah for years. One day, he is in the temple in Jerusalem, and Mary and Joseph bring Jesus in
to be blessed. Simeon sees them, intuits that this is the Messiah, and is
overcome with a sense of living to see fulfillment. He speaks out loud to God
saying, 'Now I a can die in peace'. Not that he wants to die, but everything
from here is pure blessedness, simply an addition.
Our lives are
gifts. The privilege of being able to reach out and touch others is a gift. The
Bible teaches us that it is keeping this awareness front and center of who we
are and what we are about that motivates us to give. We facilitate the flow of
grace in the universe. We need to cultivate gratitude in our families in a
central, fundamental way.
We need to be
intentional about this. Jean Fitzpatrick says that often we unwittingly teach
our kids something other than gratitude itself. She cites the parent that is
grousing as they trip over a room full of toys that says, "You ought to be
grateful for all the things you have, why there are children in Africa that haven't got a single toy."
The parents are worried that they are spoiling their children and these lines
come out from their mouths. In all likelihood, they teach 'guilt' rather than
gratitude.
Sometimes we
just teach reverse-envy that was the subject of study at Southern Methodist
University and UCal Davis. They 'used three groups of
volunteers. One group kept a daily log of five hassles or complaints. The
second group wrote down five ways in which they thought they were better off
than their peers. And the thrord group wrote down
five things each day for which they were grateful.
"After
three weeks, those in the group who kept gratitude lists reported having more
energy, fewer health problems, and a greater feeling of well-being than those
who complained or gloated."[i]
No huge surprise there.
How do we
practically encourage gratitude in our selves and our families?
Ms. Fitzpatrick has a couple suggestions:
First, you
might try keeping a gratitude journal as a family for a week. No one is going
to think this is a great idea and every one will roll their eyes. Persevere.
Ask everyone to fill in one line at dinner as to what they were grateful for
that day. Just one week. It will get the ball rolling.
Secondly,
speak to each other about thanks. Since the holidays are coming up, put this
into the celebration mix. Spend some time, it doesn't have to be long and drawn
out, but spend some time going around the room having each person say something
about every other person that they are thankful for. With certain little kids
and most teenagers, you may only get grunts. Do not despair. Short is better
than nothing.
Thirdly, and
this is a growth area for most of us, give thanks in prayer. You know what is
best is if both parents can say a line or two about what they are thankful to
God for. Your kids will never admit it, but Dad's your stock will not only rise in their estimation, you will give your kids permission
to reach up to the Almighty in a way I never will. Prayer is not whimpy. It is strong.
Fourth, build
in time to experience the wonder of the world. This is that time of the year
when we are driven pretty hard by schedules, one parent running this way, the
other over yon, the kids always conscious of time and movement. Figure out how
you can, as a family, just be in nature together with the sole purpose of
'being present'. Turn off those game boys. Get free of the videos. Partake of
the wonder of the simple world in our present. Open your inner child.
Fifth, and I
got this from a friend from the Carribean, create a
'Thanksgiving Spot' in the house. They had a table in the corner of the room
near their fireplace. It had pictures of people they loved, kids artwork,
memorabilia from the last Yankees game they went to, a rotating collection of
things that they were grateful for. It wasn't too much work and little kids
especially like to add to it.
Teach your
kids to write notes of thanks. We are just now finishing up fall sports. Write
a note to great coaches. They are out there. Have your kids do it. Write a note
to the Directors of our plays that are just about to perform. Have your kids do
it. Short is fine. [ii]
Give them the opportunity and teach them the follow through of being in touch
with their grateful nature and expressing it. You make their grateful soul
stronger.
You can become
a living blessing to each other. You can live a mutual belonging. The
psychologist Abraham Maslow said that in these
moments we 'peak' and actualize our higher reason for being. The poet E.E.
Cummings said that in these moments 'the eyes of my eyes are opened.'
My fiercest
critic asked me this morning over breakfast why I was talking about this again.
It is not rocket science insight you know? It is not. It is just important. It
is the gateway for the heart to bloom. May the eyes of your eyes become opened. Amen.
[i]
Jean G. Fitzpatrick "How Kids Learn Gratitude" at
www.beliefnet.com/story/51/story_5119.html
[ii]
All of these ideas come from Jean's article with gratitude.
© 2006
Charles Rush.
All rights reserved.
