Sermon: When We Must Grieve

[ previous | index | next ]

When We Must Grieve

By Rev. Dr. Charles T. Rush, Jr.

January 28, 2007

hen we were still in Divinity School, Kate and I had a very good friend, a tremendously accomplished woman, strong and warm, witty and full of mirth. One fall day our families were eating dinner together and she was just not her usual self. She was rather cross with her kids which was unusual. She got about 3 different projects going at the same time- cooking dinner, entertaining friends, and organizing children- and scurried everywhere rather frantically. As the night wore on she became somewhat winsome and then cynical. Finally, she began to tell a story and just began to weep and she didn't really want any comfort from her husband. Through these tears she said ‘I just don't know what is coming over me. I am falling totally apart. I looked at myself in the mirror after lunch today and thought to myself ‘Charlotte Lynn pull yourself together.

We went home puzzled. My wife ran into her a couple days later and she began to apologize. She said ‘it's the funniest thing... I realized later that it was the anniversary of my mother's death. You know I haven't thought about her for the longest time. She's been dead for 12 years.”

Her mother died when she was a young woman. Her mother was a very interesting and substantial woman who was cut short in the prime of her life. Our friend felt quite abandoned at the time…Afraid, controlled by anxiety. For about two years after her mother's death, she had panic attacks from time to time which were quite debilitating when they happened. She got on with her life after a while but it was difficult.

We were standing on the playground watching our kids in the silence that friends can share and she said “Isn't it funny the way your soul can remember things your head has forgotten.”

Well said! Grief is one of those things that just happen to us and we simply must respond to it. We do not control grief, grief sets the agenda in ways that we are not fully conscious of. For this reason alone, we have trouble with this in our culture. What do I mean?

Our immediate region- Summit, Short Hills, Chatham- shares certain cultural values of leadership. We are a management culture. We became successful because we are organized and goal oriented and that is the realm we spend most of our time in, where we feel most comfortable. We have a problem, we form a committee, delegate tasks, report back with proposed solutions, debate, implement and resolve. We structure time. We are the masters of the ‘to do list'. You see people on Saturday morning around town. 7 a.m. jog; drop kids at 8 a.m. soccer; 8:30 dump run; 9:15 price turf builder at Hardware store; 9:30 pick up kids from soccer. We are scheduling; we are efficient; we are in control. We have defined our lives around setting goals and achieving them and many of us have achieved considerable success, leading us to probably overvalue goal setting in and of itself.

There is nothing wrong with goal setting. But the fact of the matter is that some of the most significant things that happen in our life, we do not plan. They happen to us and we respond and how we respond reveals our character to ourselves, for better and for worse. Think about the lines that changed your life that you did not plan: “You have been drafted”. “I am pregnant”. “It is malignant”. “The financial aid office is pleased to announce that you are eligible...” “I am sorry to have to inform you...” "I've been seeing someone…" "You have been named the beneficiary of the estate of"… "Due to budget cuts, your services are no longer needed"…

Whether it is fortuitous serendipity or tragic crisis, they simply happen to us and we respond. We cannot block out time for them. We cannot structure them in order. Most of the time crises especially seem to come in bunches- bam, bam, bam- like a set of killer waves in the ocean.

Dealing with grief is like this. We respond to it. When a loved one dies or we experience the loss of something significant- like in divorce or the loss of a job that was our identity- we are overwhelmed by some of the most powerful emotions we will experience in our life and we do not set the agenda, these emotions do.

That is why grieving is a kind of responsive management. We are responding to the rhythms of our soul.

The holiday season usually presents some special challenges for people who are in grief. The family is gathered together, frequently going through some rituals that you have gone through together for years. And when someone significant is missing from those rituals about the only thing you notice is that great, big empty chair. [As Joni Mitchell says in one of her songs ‘the bed's too big; the frying pan's too wide.”]

I want to share a couple of things today to think about with grief. We are encouraged to become people of compassion in the bible. Unfortunately, there is precious little practical advice on how to actually become compassionate. Since grieving is hard-wired into us so deeply, we share basically the same responses not only with each other, but with all higher primates, I'm glad there has begun to emerge some literature to help us on the introductory level. If you don't already need this, you will. That is a guarantee.

Barbara LesStrang has put together a nice little piece for us novices who have to let others do their grieving and we don't have a clue. As a Minister, I have heard some truly ‘boneheaded' remarks over the years at funerals from well meaning people who were clueless. Fortunately, I don't hear many of these any more. But I've never forgotten a woman years ago who told me that the thing she feared the most after her husband died was shopping because when you are going down the aisle with your grocery cart and you encounter one of these boneheads there is no place to run. She used to shop before 7 and after 10 for a year.

I understand this. Death is uncomfortable. We don't know what to say. We don't know how to communicate our care. We don't know how to be helpful. And some of us haven't dealt with our own anxieties about death enough, so when we see other people dealing with death, emotionally we just want to run away.

Let me run over a few basic do's and don'ts. A lot of us are not sure what to say to people. Ms. LesStrang writes this “Please don't tell me that you know ‘just how I feel'. No one will ever really understand just how I feel. And in your desire to comfort me, don't offer comments like ‘you're attractive, you can marry again,' or ‘Now, now, don't cry- you must be strong', or, ‘You can always have another child', or, unbelievably ‘You're lucky it was only your mother'”[i] Unless you have gone through a similar death, you really don't know how they feel. Anyway, that is not really all that important for communicating care to begin with.

Presence is a lot more important here than profound insight. Just focus on demonstrating care and support. You can say ‘I am sorry for your loss'. Then don't be afraid of some silence. Silence is okay. You can say ‘you must be in a lot of pain'. That is clearly the case. You can ask ‘how are you?'

People occasionally wonder what pearls of wisdom I offer in these moments and I would generally say that the most profound spiritual connection is the silent hug of two people that know each other very well.

Then this I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. But don't worry over what to say to me about my loss. In the beginning, I probably won't remember anyhow. I need you just to be with me. And I need to be with you. And please don't leave me alone for long periods of time feeling that your presence would be an intrusion. More than ever before, I need to be with people who care about me. And if you can't be with me, your phone calls, your letters, or even short notes sharing your thoughts and feelings about the loss of my loved one will help me far more than you ever know. It's very comforting to me to know that you share my grief.' Check in. You don't need an agenda, just do it. Perhaps the most important thing you can do is listen, sometimes to the same things more than once. That is not weird, it is part of the process of our souls catching up to our head. Intellectually we know people are dead, but emotionally we are ‘letting go' a little bit at a time.

And a special word for church folks. “Please don't tell me, either, that this death was really God's will- or that God needs the presence of my loved one more than I do. This may cause me to doubt God just when I need God the most.” If you do, you usually just add to the length of my week, for most of the recipients of these comments usually end up in my office demanding an explanation of this pernicious God. “ And please, don't suggest that I take a pill or offer me a drink to ‘help me' get through this trying time. Rather, encourage me to eat properly, to rest and to exercise and, as much as I am able to, to maintain a healthy lifestyle.” Drunkenness doesn't heal the pain, it simply numbs it. It is not an efficient way of dealing with deep emotions. It is merely a temporary displacement. These emotions need to come to the surface, honestly and straight forward. Booze only compounds the emotions or delays their onset.

Especially in those early phases of grief, shortly after someone dies don't worry if I behave strangely. Remember that I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am struggling to cope with many frightening thoughts and unwanted feelings, and to live in a world that now no longer includes my loved one. I may feel overwhelmed. I may feel afraid, I may even feel guilty. I may also feel rage or deep despair. And I may confuse easily. I may realize I am becoming more and more forgetful, and at time I may even believe that I am losing my mind. But above all, I hurt. Grief is a pain that is unlike any pain I have ever felt in my life.”

Maybe because of the strange behavior that scares us. Sometimes we are afraid to mention a loved one that has passed. But don't be. “I need to talk about my loss. Each time I discuss my loss, I am helping myself to face the reality of the death of my loved one.” Don't be afraid to mention the loved one who is dead because they are not simply gone just because they are dead. They are always present even if they are not seen and it is Okay to acknowledge that. Over time, people will begin to form a new relationship with people that they have lost, but they are never vanquished from memory.

So I need you to believe in me. And I need for you to believe in my ability to get through this grief in my own time and in my own way. Please don't tell me that it is time for me to get on with my life. I am probably saying this to myself. Each of us is different. Each loss is unique. I may move through my grief more quickly than another or I may move more slowly. I just need for you to be patient with me now- for you to try to understand.” Children may feel that Mom really needs to get out of her shell and dress the tree at Christmas time just like we always did. Get out the lights, make some eggnog, and do it. You may feel that way but don't try to set an agenda for your loved ones and force them to go through with it. Chances are it is your discomfort needs that are being addressed rather than theirs. People need time. In grief, we experience some of the deepest emotions of our life.

Furthermore, we discover not only our strengths but our weaknesses. And when a weakness is exposed, a vulnerability, it is difficult to get past that quickly. Part of healing is mastering these parts of ourselves and we can only handle so much at a time. Try to let people in grief set the agenda for themselves. It is an important way of demonstrating that you are truly a friend.

When Jesus was asked how to live a spiritual life, he told a story about a guy that was hurt and bleeding on the side of the road… in need. And another guy from the wrong religious tradition and the wrong ethnic group stopped and helped him, taking care of whatever needs the man had.

Another time, someone asked Jesus how much we should give and he responded, "If someone needs you to walk one mile, be ready to walk two. If someone needs your coat, offer your sport jacket as well."

It is the needs of others that set our agenda.

Death is such a strange thing. I've had the occasion a couple of times, emerging from the doors of a hospital after someone had just passed, preoccupied by the deep sadness of mortality and sensing the poignancy of the uniqueness of this special life. I opened the doors to the main thoroughfare, hundreds of cars passing by, rushing to this appointment and that. It is just jarring that you witness someone take their last breath and have to deal with this big, organized world that moves right on, covering this precious, personal moment with a hyper-inner-connected tangle of activity. In the bigger picture, it is hardly a blip, let alone noticed. And we have to deal with this very personal grief and we have to deal with this big, scheduled world that keeps going on and on…

Sometimes I will write a note to people that have just lost someone that says, "I hope you have the time and the freedom to follow the rhythms of your heart in this season." If you don't do it directly and upfront, you will do it indirectly and unbeknownst to yourself. It is not all that profound but helping each other here is what makes us human and keeps us humane. It's okay to be good at it.

Let the needs of others lead. Take a chance at being authentically present as best you can. And trust in the Spirit. Jesus once said, "Do not worry about what you will say in that moment, the Spirit will lead you." And this is also true, in this case, because it is not so much what you say as who you are when you say it. Amen.

[i] LeStrang, Barbara “After My Loss”. A brief catalogue of aphorisms about grief, it can be ordered by writing to: Harbor House (West) Publishers, Box 2545, Rancho Mirage, CA 92270.