Sermon: Everybody's Doing It

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Everybody's Doing It ^[i]

By Charles Rush

March 1, 2009

[ Audio (mp3, 6.1Mb) ]

deeply appreciate the things you all send me. I got this one from the office of American Express. It was a memo sent by Warren Buffet to the employees of Berkshire Hathaway. This is what the number one investor had to say.

"The five most dangerous words in business may be "Everybody else is doing it." A lot of banks and insurance companies have suffered earnings disasters after relying on that rationale.

Even worse have been the consequences from using that phrase to justify the morality of proposed actions. More than 100 companies so far have been drawn into the stock option backdating scandal and the number is sure to go higher. My guess is that a great many of the people involved would not have behaved in the manner they did except for the fact that they felt others were doing so as well. The same goes for all of the accounting gimmicks to manipulate earnings - and deceive investors - that has taken place in recent years.

You would have been happy to have as your son-in-law most of the people who engaged in these ill-conceived activities. But somewhere along the line they picked up the notion - perhaps suggested to them by their auditor or consultant - that a number of well-respected managers were engaging in such practices and therefore it must be OK to do so. It's a seductive argument.

But it couldn't be more wrong. In fact, every time you hear the phrase "Everybody else is doing it" it should raise a huge red flag. Why would somebody offer such a rationale for an act if there were a better reason available? Clearly the advocate harbors at least a small doubt about the act if he utilizes this verbal crutch.

So, at Berkshire, let's start with what is legal, but always go on to what we would feel comfortable about being printed on the front page of our local paper, and never proceed forward simply on the basis of the fact that other people are doing it…Thanks for your help on this. Berkshire's reputation is in your hands.[1]

What could be printed on the front page of the local paper… But everybody's doing it. It is a seductive argument, living as we do in a culture that is increasingly trying to belong. The external symptom is seen in the trend in branding across the last twenty years. Our children sport more clothing with 'Summit' written on it somewhere. We have more decals on our cars that say MV or Nantucket or Kennebunkport or Duck. Our gyms feature more shorts that have Yale across our bottoms. We feature more golf club logos. More and more of us carry duffle bags that say 'Goldman Sachs' or 'Merrill Lynch'. We want to belong and express our identity this way more and more.

Our children use this need to belong effectively with us do they not? I know in my generation, we parents had to endure maddening, loud birthday parties at Chucky Cheese because everybody was doing it.

I remember with my children that this argument forced me to only shop for my kids at Abercrombie and Fitch or J. Crew. That was it. We parents generally acquiesce on these early arguments, deciding to fight our battles on other grounds.

And then there come a series of bad choices in the teenage years that you know call for better judgment. "Honey, I don't care if everyone is doing it, why in the world are you wearing flip-flops in the snow to school?" "Son, I don't care if the whole lacrosse team is dipping snuff, I was hoping we left this habit in the South with the cars in the yard that don't run anymore."

Are you kidding me?

And our children are extraordinarily effective at using this against us too. My daughters loved to announce at the last minute that they would be going to Manhattan the next day with their friends unescorted at 13, usually when I'm driving down the road. I'm like 'whoa'. Then I get the 'What??? Mom said it was fine.' I'm stunned and I ask if the other parents gave permission for this. The response, 'Dad, you are the only one who cares about this. Stop freaking out on me. Is this a Minister thing?'

They get you going. "I am not a control freak." It is the old divide-and-conquer technique. Keep all the parents isolated thinking they are the only one with concerns… But there are cracks in the wall. I would say, "I'm going to call Mr. O'Malley and see how he feels about this." This evokes a shriek. "Dad, you are so embarrassing." Yes I am… I've learned. Usually I finally get Mr. O'Malley on the phone and he says, 'Well I'm not comfortable with this but… I heard that Reverend said, 'No problem'. Control freak? My daughters are selling me as the Hippie pastor.

But then there get to be more substantial issues like the third time your son is retrieved from a party completely hammered. You are in the middle of the lecture and they say something like "It's not like I was the only one at the party, we just got caught." Usually these conversations don't go much of anywhere because you are too mad and they are not listening. But you want to say, "I'm sensing that this is not just about fun, even though it seems that way. Somewhere when you introduced the funnel or the vodka shots… Somewhere when you all decided that to drink 'til you passed out, it seems to me, just spiritually speaking that it is much easier to go mindless than to deal with some of the anger you have, some of the abandonment you feel because I'm not here, some of the anxiety you feel over being accepted, some of the fear you feel about how to develop intimacy with girls, or some of the pressure you internalize to succeed… And it may be easier to just get totally blotto, but it is not better, and it will develop its own complications. I know about this."

You get to more substantial issues like hearing your daughter throwing up in the bathroom. You ask her about it and she says something like, 'well you should see Megan Connor or Kristi Riley if you want to see an eating disorder.' Usually, we parents feel out of our depth at this moment and these conversations don't go much of anywhere. But you want to say, "Honey, I'm wondering if you are internalizing all of these over-sexualized images of young women in the media and that you becoming obsessed with body image. Spiritually speaking, I'm wondering if your anxiety and fear about the social pressure to be sexually available beyond your comfort zone is filling you with interjected anger that looks like self-loathing. Megan Connor has gotten so skinny that she is I can't believe anyone is actually pursuing her to make your point. As a coping measure, this may be easier, but it is not better and it will develop its own complications. I know about this."

Spiritually, we intuit that our affluent culture has its own set of issues. We sense that we have issues even if everyone around us is doing it. I was reading a psychologist talking about the family issues that she deals with in Marin County just north of San Francisco.

Families where one parent is over-working or away from the family and the other parent feels pretty much like a single parent.[ii]

Families where one parent is emotionally unavailable and the other parent gets more and more emotionally invested in their children to make up for the deficit and they intrude in their children's lives in unhealthy ways.

Families where the primary wage-earning parent feels entitled to call the shots and the imbalance of power creates low level tensions in the family that other family members are reluctant to address for fear that they will upset the status quo and the considerable perqs that follow from it.

Families that over-compete themselves and expect that from their children and develop an undifferentiated ethos of perfectionism that creates anxiety and is a precursor for depression. Families that over-value "extrinsic markers of success such as high grades, trophies and admission to prestigious schools" but unwittingly under-develop the spiritual virtues of internal motivation, altruism, and an appreciation of things that are intrinsically worthwhile.

Families that develop overly busy schedules and a preoccupation with material concerns that intrude on sustaining deep friendships, community involvement, and a grounded spiritual life which encourages children with a sense of entitlement and self-absorption rather than a community spirit of giving back.

Whew, you're probably thinking what I'm thinking…, 'Thank God, we don't live in California'…

I don't think it takes advanced degrees in Psychology to figure out the pitfalls of the affluent society we are raising our families in. Spiritually speaking, it is fairly clear the imbalance that we surround ourselves with.

Spiritually speaking, you have to break from the crowd and do you own thing, as creative and interesting people are wont to do. There are difficult choices to be made but they are not quite so difficult when you have a spiritual vision in place of what you want your family and yourself to become. I was interested to read about the Basketball all-star Chris Mullin who played for St. John's and then in the N.B.A.[iii] Every summer he took his family to visit the grandparents and some family friends until one year when one of his sons made a 'select traveling team' in soccer. The coach shot out an e-mail to all of the parents about commitment and said that the kids couldn't miss a single practice if they were to be on the team. There is this All-Star athlete/Father with a choice, 'Grandparents and family friends or Sports'. Chris and his wife shot the coach a note back, family is more important than sports. Period. Maybe it is easier for a stellar athlete to know that his children will be excellent without making every 'select' team.

[I remember when my wife was a nursery school teacher at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton; All of the parents were the best scholars in their fields; most of the families spoke several languages; All of them shared a noticeably relaxed approach towards their children's educational development. They didn't have any of that over-achieving worry that plagues most of us.] Maybe it is easier for the Mullin family because their family is really fun and meaningful and ours aren't that uncomplicated. Maybe it won't be that easy for you to make that choice. But spiritually, you have a choice and you have to live with it.

Jesus called the church into being as a spiritual antidote to the spiritual imbalance of our world. He said we are to become the leaven in the lump that causes the bread to rise. We are to be the lamp that is set on a stand, providing orientation to those in the darkness. We are to be the salt that gives the meal its flavor. We are to be that thing which is missing, without which life becomes flat and stale. We are here to help you develop a coherent spiritual vision for your life. We are here to facilitate deep friendships that make life meaningful and content. We are here to help your family find a community involvement that expresses giving back. We are here to strengthen each other to live lives of intrinsic worth. We need you to be involved and be part of it… As Warren Buffet said, "Christ Church's reputation is in your hands."

We need a profound spiritual community because that will help all of us to formulate a coherent and meaningful spiritual vision for ourselves and our families. Once you have a shared spiritual vision with your spouse, your life develops a lot more clarity. It is a lot easier to make choices that swim against the cultural current if the two of you are agreed on where you are headed together. No, I wonder if the reason that the Mullin family could make a quick judgment on what they were doing because they had a clear spiritual vision of where they wanted their family to head and obsession with one select team was not in the vision.

Our affluent culture has many obvious benefits and that is why we are all here. But… don't be afraid to break free and become spiritually interesting. Trust your creativity and the value of spiritual wholeness. You are not a lemming in the crowd. You are more complex and curious and colorful than that. Find the balance and don't be afraid to stand for what you know is true. You just might be profound enough to live with few regrets. And you know what? You will be able to print that on the front page of the paper. Amen.

[1] My thanks to Darla Stuckey for bringing this to my attention. She read it on www.ProfessorBainbridge.com

[i] A version of this sermon was preached by Rev. Rush on Nov 19, 2006.

[ii] These all come from Levine, Madeline The Price of Privilege (San Francisco: Harper Collins, 2006), p. 170-171.

[iii] Ibid. p. 172.