Sermon: Why Can't We Compromise?

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Why Can't We Compromise?

By Charles Rush

January 31, 2010

Dr. Seuss and the Zax[i]; 1 Corinthians 1

[ Audio (mp3, 6.8Mb) ]

“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.”

levision critic, Sarah Bunting[ii], believes that the proliferation of reality shows- Survivor, Temptation Island, Flav Love/Rock Love, the Bachelor, the Housewives of Orange County (how can there be so many of these)- is because we love to feel smug and superior to these people. It is a bad habit, like biting your nails, that we just can't stop doing.

From Jerry Springer, through Judge Judy, to the dozen reality shows, we put strangers into a confrontational situation, having previously screened hundreds of people so that we winnow out anyone remotely skilled in reconciliation, add a couple of folks that have undiagnosed personality disorders and aren't camera shy, stir in alcohol- and let's just see what we get here?

Who knows about the effect that this has on our wider culture but it does seem that dilemma of the North-bound Zax and the South-bound Zax is growing in our ever crowded world. Whether it is true or not, so many of our biggest issues are presented to us as two opposing forces on a collision course. The United States (and the West) vs. Al Qaeda; Sunni vs. Shia in Iraq; Jew vs. Arabs in Palestine; Indian vs. Pakistan; this list can be produced for every corner of the earth.

And it is one of those phenomena that doesn't seem to dissipate as you get more local either. Right now, we are going through a substantive discussion on health care. The one thing that both sides would probably agree on is that it doesn't seem possible for this discussion to become more partisan than it already is. At the moment, neither side seems ready to blink at the on-coming headlights.

Locally, it is worse still. I'm standing in the produce section at Kings, asking one of our Town Council members how they were doing after a year of public service. They lean over and say, “Reverend, I was hoping my legacy contained more moral substance than artificial turf fields.” Lord, the vitriol, the numbers of people, the email and phone messages, and a town council meeting that ran til 1 a.m..

Since I first heard the NIMBY argument ten years ago, I've heard it on every significant issue since. The Unitarian church did restoration on their education building and the neighbors were worried that new facilities might bring more young families and increased traffic on their street. One woman concluded by saying ‘does one of our kids have to die from this traffic before something is done?'

The Chair of the zoning board asked, “Ma'am how long have you lived in your house?”

“Three years” was the answer.

“And the church has been there for 100 years approximately?”

“Yes”

“And you bought your house knowing that there was a church across the street and that they educated children in that space?”

“Yes”

“Ma'am would you please sit down”

I was a little incredulous then but I've heard the same argument over and over and over, whether it is low income housing, or right now with the proposal to have a helicopter pad at Overlook Hospital.

You would think we could transcend this confrontational approach, like at the World Trade Center, since it became something of a national monument, but the answer appears to be ‘no, we can't', as we are still locked in legal battle a decade later.

Never budge, that's my rule

Never budge in the least;

Not an inch to the west; not an inch to the east

I'll stand here not budging

I'll stand here I will

Til Anderson Cooper himself

Comes to ask If I'll kill…

Grrrr…. Put up your dukes… And if you notice, one thing these Zax's all have in common. They are an angry lot. Grrrr… They've got righteous indignation. They are ready for a fight.

So, I was interested to overhear something this week, a lecture on some new research that is being done on the broader subject of interpersonal happiness, and part of the lecture dealt with this phenomenon of people around us at work that are unfulfilled and angry and why that was the case. And the speaker was saying that our sage understanding of happiness overfocuses on outcomes… We call to mind adages that if we work hard, we achieve success, we have stuff that we like around us, we will be happy.

But the research doesn't support this adage exactly. It turns out that what actually makes people happy is not just outcomes but it also has to do with the way that they view the process. It has to do with resilience, developing the capacity to respond creatively in the midst of set back, unexpected challenge, and opposition.

I was interested to read that there is an emerging discipline within the Psychology department that is focusing on the positive and asking the question, what is it that makes us genuinely, authentically happy. How do we develop a meaningful life?

A couple of psych professors at Harvard offered a class to undergraduates a few years ago, on the subject of happiness, they get to class the first day, and lo, behold, there are 1000 students sitting in chairs to find out. One out of every 7 students at Harvard wanted some clue, any clue on how to be happy. You want to know why? Despite all of their incredible success in life, often coming from very powerful and successful families, as a group, it turns out they are mostly…. Miserable.

And it turns out that we have quite a lot of control over this basic disposition. It turns out that our minds actually alter their patterns of perceiving and thinking, so that we are constantly evolving in our disposition- growing in some areas and atrophying in others. It turns out that we have the ability to re-inforce the way that we perceive the world, how we interpret it, and our disposition is subtle evolution all the time like this.

There is this wonderful line in St. Paul's letter to the Romans that makes the same point spiritually. He says, “do not simply conform to the world (things as they are around us) but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Rms. 12:2). It turns out that if you are genuinely happy, you will also see the world around you in benevolent terms. You can subtly, but significantly, become a different person and the interaction between our thoughts and the reality that we perceive is quite complex and deep. Yes, I've ordered the books.

We do this all the time, in ways that we don't notice. I was deep sea fishing with one of my godsons. He was about in 8th grade at the time. We land a huge fish, well over a hundred pounds. I'm reeling it in, and out, and in, and out. Half an hour goes by. My biceps are actually in pain but the adrenalin is really pumping. We get the fish near the boat. My godson is excited. His Uncle's are excited. I just want to see the photos of us hauling the fish onto the back of the boat together. It is going to be great. My godson is ready to reel. He gets in the seat. I hand him the pole. He has hold of it. Everything is great. And boom, he hits the release button by accident and line is flying out dozens of yards a second and before you can say ‘boo' the fish is over a hundred yards away.

My arms are aching. I'm watching this. My godson says, “Can you reel it in again Uncle Chuck?” Oh man, my arms. Oh man, my godson the bonehead. I could have gone on for quite a while- the pain, the misery, the injustice of it all. And his father might have… But I'm not his father. I have this image in my mind of reeling that fish in with this kid. I want to be this guy that reels in the fish that my godson talks about, perhaps pull in steel leader with my bare hands.

The pain of our suffering world vs. Neptune Man… And I started reeling, slowly, yes… and forty minutes after that we eventually did get a picture of the two of us with a fish that was bigger than my godson. It was quite a day. And that day, the vision won out over the facts alone. We can do this. And in the process, we can actually change ourselves.

And not only can we change, we can become better.[iii] The initial research seems to indicate that happy people actually achieve more. In one study, researchers asked the participants to take a test and they recorded their scores. Then they asked the group to envision one of the happiest moments in their lives. They held that image, described it, let it settle over them. They not only increased the number of answers they got right, they increased the speed with which they took the test.

And ditto for Physicians. Apparently, they had three groups of physicians: a control group, a group that was asked to spend time reading a medical journal, and the third group that were made happy by giving them candy- yes, I kid you not. I thought 8th grade was the last time that candy would work, but no- The happy group not only made better diagnoses when they saw their patients, they also exhibited intellectual flexibility and suppleness. I have to see the study to say more, but it is suggestive.

Apparently, if you take an intellectual aptitude test, the same thing is true. You score somewhat higher if you take them in a happy disposition. So, if you were one of those people that stayed in all Friday night before your SAT test, making yourself miserable with worry, trying to memorize a few more words like ‘lachrymose', you put yourself at a disadvantage to those of us who spent that evening trying to romance Katie Cochrane. We had a much better time and we scored better- at least against ourselves, so there.

And this one comes as no surprise. If you would like to get a more positive, rounded response out of the people you have to ask something of, they are much more likely to be amenable if they are in a cheery disposition. So, if you begin with a compliment that is true or if you thank them for something that is genuine, they respond more graciously. It is a lesson I first learned from both of my great grandfathers and I have unconsciously emulated them. When I was a child, every time I would visit either one of them, the very first thing that they would do is ask me if I'd go over to a great big jar and reach inside to get some candy. Then we would talk for a short moment.

Today, as all the children know at Christ Church, you go to my office and have a piece of candy. I'm hoping the next generation has warm feelings for the Minister…. I can hear them now, “Boring preacher… but good candy.” Warm feelings- better outcomes.

Think about it. We have whole teams of people in Bangalore, India that are trained to talk irate Americans off the roof. They are Technical psychologists. “I can't get this damn computer to work. It's the damnest, dam thing.”

“Oh, I am so sorry Mr. Rush, it sounds like you've had a frustrating day.”

“Well, well…. I have.”

“Mr. Rush, let's see if we can get to the root of your problem…”

“Well… okay.”

And then they ask you a bunch of easy questions to get you back in positive space.

“Are you sitting in front of your computer now?”

“Yes”

“Is the computer turned on?”

“Yes”… got that going for me anyway. Feeling pretty good… answered two in a row.

The next thing you know, you are off that ledge, rational, able to learn, and most of the time you solve your problem. Next.

It turns out that there are a lot of benefits when you are able to create a positive atmosphere, whether it is in your family, your workplace, or the places that you volunteer your time and service. For example, people that are contented deploy a fuller range of their creative imagination. And how important is that for almost everything we are actually engaged in through our work or our committee life.

People that are happy tend to be healthier, they live longer and they are more open to receiving critical feedback and the critical self-reflection that leads to personal growth.[iv]

People that are part of a team that fosters encouragement and a culture of encouragement of others on the whole earn higher profits and generate better customer satisfaction than other work places.

People that have fulfilling personal relationships are much happier than people who have insubstantial relationships, we know that. Guess what the researchers discovered when they interviewed all of the students at Harvard? Their romantic lives were beyond anemic. They had worked so hard to get themselves in the most competitive environment that all they did was surround themselves with new challenges. Graduated from Middle School in the top 1%, graduate from High School in the top 1%, get to Harvard and guess what- they are no longer in the top 1%. Big identity crisis, not enough time spent actually developing significant relationships with other people, and guess what, life starts losing its savor quickly.

Sounds familiar doesn't it? We create these competitive cultures in which we actually sacrifice personal relationships in the pursuit of some goal of excellence and we wonder why we are so empty in the midst of great success. You get there and it is not what you had hoped and imagined that it was going to be.

Here is the promising part of this early research. St. Paul used to encourage us to ‘think again like the Christ'. He used to say, “have this mind which was in Christ Jesus' or in Romans ‘transform your mind by the renewing of your spirit'. If you come back to some basics, you can change and find more contentment in your life.

Like what?[v] Like being grateful. Tell people that you appreciate what they are doing- only real stuff, only genuine praise. Become grateful as a person. And you know what? You start seeing more things to be grateful for? The gratitude part of your brain, your spirit, grows when you exercise it and it starts to help you perceive the world in grateful ways.

How so? Write about it. I know men aren't too big on this but perhaps we should change. Perhaps there is something about taking the time and actually writing about something that you are grateful for that brings it to mind front and center with focus that is important. And I suspect that there would be other benefits as well. Let me tell you, if you write a short note to your spouse about something that you are genuinely grateful for that they do, and you mail it off to them, you likely get something more than two grateful people. It can take on a life of its own.

And simplify. I have to read the research on this but apparently all of our ‘multi-tasking' increases stress more significantly than we realize. Apparently, we get doing more and more and it only produces more and more- like a tread mill… Aggh!

And find your strengths. It turns out that people are happier and more confident when they are in environments where they can exercise what they are good at doing. What a great insight for parents. What a great insight for spouses and friends. Help construct your world so that members of your family get to do what they do well and you appreciate them for it.

And exercise. Exercise releases the chemicals that produce emotional happiness, the foundational conditions for life. Build exercise into your life.

And meditation. There is something about breathing itself that is deep wired with contentment in human nature. This is one of our oldest spiritual disciplines and it is so old because it works.

These practices can make a difference. More than that, they create a spiritual and emotional disposition that open the door for reflection on developing a more meaningful life. We all want to engage in meaningful work. We want to be part of a meaningful community. We want to invest our volunteer time and make a meaningful difference. These type of people… they are emotionally and spiritually resilient people. They aren't smashing into each other so often, in part, because they are tuned in to how they can help those around them grow and realize their potential. They are imaginative and are envisioning a world where we are in synchronicity with each other. They want to mix it up precisely to develop resonance, new harmony, and once in a long while a ‘deeper symphonic concord' that is rather magical. The Christians used to call it ‘Koinonia' when love, peace, understanding, forgiveness, and compassion are all manifest together for a short while and it just all comes together. That is what we want. Or? We can keep walking straight ahead. Your call.

[i] “The Zax” in The Sneeches and Other Stories by Dr Seuss.

[ii] See www.televisionwithoutpity.com

[iii] First, I would like to thank Sue Shellenbarger at the Wall Street Journal. Her article “Thinking Happy Thoughts at Work” (Wednesday, January 27, 2010, p. D2) opened up the thinking for the rest of this sermon. She draws upon the work of Shawn Achor, a former researcher at Harvard, who is involved in developing the positive basis of psychology. Unfortunately, I was not able to obtain the books in time and the points which follow are developed by Shawn in a video he has released on YouTube that gives just a general introduction to the topic. I will have to rely on the relative accuracy of his reporting on that video for the moment.

[iv] These are from Sue Shellenbarger's article. I have to presume that they are accurate.

[v] These are from Shawn Achor's YouTube Video. It is a three part video and I think this is part 3.