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Empathy, Compassion, Respect

By Charles Rush

October 10, 2010

[ Audio (mp3, 7.4Mb) ]

er the summer, I witnessed a wee parable of our age, at the beach, where the ferry docks at Vineyard Haven. A woman was pushing a grocery cart back to her car. She had her iPod and was kind of doing a beach shuffle the way you feel when you are in your beach slides. And this college aged kid was riding his bike, probably right off the ferry, with his IPod on, kind of doing a beach shuffle, bouncing along, hand barely on bike. The way that they were traveling, they couldn't really see each other but normally they would have heard each other. Instead, it was boom, college kid bangs the cart really hard, reaching for his handlebars, wipes out and both of them are staring at each other in astonishment, like what was that?

We are more and more inter-connected and more and more in our own virtual worlds. So now you are driving down the road and someone just stops in the middle of the road. They just stop… because now we live in a world where your boyfriend can break up with you on your way home from practice and if your whole emotional world is suddenly giving way, you just stop for a minute, and go ‘whoa'.

I'm envisioning our morning commute more and more like those slow motion landings of bees in a bee hive, all of these discrete virtual bubbles trying to land at the same place at the same time with no communication with each other, so there are all these collisions. Boom, Boom, Boom.

We live in a world where our inner-connectedness requires greater empathy and understanding and consensus. At the same time, it is possible to virtually connect with people that reflect back your values and your presumptions and your world view, so that you don't quite realize just how virtually discrete you've actually become. Today, we can celebrate the unbelievable diversity that the internet has opened up at all our high tech firms like Google, Microsoft, International finance- it is incredible.

At the same time, we read virtual communities banding together, even jihadist groups that are bent on the destruction of this diversified community that the wonder of technology hath wrought.

Daniel Pipes recently reminded us that in many ways, our present era opened in February, 1989, just a few months before the Berlin Wall fell, officially putting a nail in the last chapter of our social lives through the Cold War. That was the month that the Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa that got international attention. Salman Rushdie lived in London, wrote a novel about the origins of Islam that Khomeini proclaimed blasphemous. This is what it said, exactly, “I inform all zealous Muslims of the world that the author of the book entitled The Satanic Verses- which has been compiled, printed and published in opposition to Islam, the Prophet, and the Koran- and all those involved in the publication who were aware of its contents are sentenced to death. I call upon all Muslims to execute them quickly… and whoever is killed on this path is a martyr.”[i] He went on require even bystanders to be indicted for complicity. It was not only a direct assault on free speech and the core values of free societies everywhere, it broadens the battlefield so that an enemy is now anybody opposed to the Ayatollah's view of Islam. Any and all of them can be treated like enemy combatants. Who could have imagined that this would become such a huge challenge for us?

I suspect that when historians write about our era a hundred years from now, they will trace two trends, our evolution towards becoming international citizens of one inner-connected world, and the myriad of protest movements against it: some violent, some fundamentalist, some counter-cultural. Because of these two trends, empathy, compassion, and respect are going to grow as virtues for the spiritually attuned.

Watching small children again, I am struck by how empathy is so deeply part of human nature. The baby is probably only 9 months old or so, and if he sees one of his cousins trip and fall, he starts crying and crawls over for his Mom. The baby will start to become sad and curl up against his mother as well. Or that other phenomenon- and here I think of Amy and Bill Ketchum and their brood- at the bewitching hour, when one baby starts crying and the next thing you know you have four, five people all wailing like lost puppies… Lord.

And when they get a little older, how sophisticated emotionally they become rather quickly.[ii] Sabrina, 4, is playing with Todd, aged 2 and change. Sabrina is stacking blocks pretty high and making some kind of fort. Todd mainly keeps walking near them knocking them over. This happens two, three times and Sabrina gets madder and madder.

Todd wanders over near the blocks again. No adult is around, so Sabrina bites Todd pretty hard. Todd lets out a burst of screaming, Mom wanders over and separates the kids, but is actually distracted by another conversation, so Todd keeps crying after Mom has given only remedial consolation.

Sabrina, without any prompting, wanders over to Todd on her own and says, “Todd stop crying okay?”

This doesn't work so, Sabrina goes out to Todd's mother and says, “Todd is crying”. But the mother doesn't actually change what she is doing, so Sabrina tugs on her arm to show her Todd. Still Mom doesn't actually move towards Todd.

Sabrina walks back over to Todd and holds his hand, trying to pull him towards the blocks, “I'll stack some up for you Todd”.

Todd keeps crying.

Sabrina goes to get Todd's rabbit, the one he carries around everywhere. “Here Todd… Here's bunny”. The time honored technique of distraction.

Todd keeps crying.

Todd's Mom says out loud, “Todd, maybe we need to put you down for a nap.”

Sabrina walks over and says, “Stop crying or you take a nap.”

It is really a very sophisticated emotional attunement Sabrina exhibits at a very early age. It is relatively profound to watch as these children mimic what we teach them as adults. And to see the degree to which they are empathic with each other's emotional state; it defines most of their day in pre-K, it defines most of their play in pre-K. We encourage empathy because we want children that can build rapport with one another. It is a key social skill.[iii]

If you stand around the sand box, you can watch very short order that someone in the group will start to organize everyone in the sandbox around a particular game or they get them imagining the same world and hand out costumes for dress up. What an important social skill that is. These people grow up to become our PTA leaders, they direct the show, they become officers in the army, they pull together the creative team. We need team Captain's.

Watch a little longer and a dispute usually breaks out. We have two roads that are in conflict with our sand project or we have too many fairies and not enough monsters costumes. And you will notice that the children that are emotionally attuned are the first to jump in and begin to understand the conflict and figure out some resolutions. They mediate between people and come up with something everyone can live with and finish the game. What an important social skill. These folks grow up to become diplomats, lawyers, they manage arbitrage, and fix socially broken things. And some of them will exhibit really advanced skills and head off a potential problem before it ever arises, getting all the monsters without a costume to play one huge monster together. These people grow up to become effective manager and team builders so that their squad triumphs.

As you watch them, you realize that some of them are just good at making a personal connection. They engage the other kids and the other kids are responsive to them. They read other kids well and the other kids like to be around them because… they are just easy to be around. What a great skill. These people grow up to be ‘team players'. They are friendly, they relate well to others in sales teams, they relate to their students as teachers. They pick up cues from other people around them and they respond appropriately so that others feel at ease with themselves. They are good colleagues, they are good friends, they are good spouses and solid partners.

Stand around the Sand Box a little longer, and if you are able to actually talk to the ones that are emotionally attuned, you can ask them questions about the other children and they will tell you quite a lot of detail. Karen doesn't like to play faeries unless she is on the good team. Niki's best friend is Briana and they mostly have to play together. Ian wants to play scary but not too scary or he will cry. They can analyze what is happening socially with their group and understand what it means. What a great skill. These people grow up to become therapists, perhaps writers, interpreters of the human situation; hopefully some of them will become Minister's and Opinion shapers. How we need them.

All of these skills sets are possible to actualize only if you are attuned to what is around you, only if you are empathetic. And think about it, these are exactly the skills that we need in our leaders: organizing groups, negotiating solutions, making a personal connection, and reading the social situation that is in front of us so that you actually understand how to inspire people to accomplish something together.

It should come as no surprise that a deficit in empathy has important social consequences. I was not completely surprised to read that when we did our first studies of our most violent criminals and rapists, we discovered that both groups of men shared one common symptom, a severely diminished ability to put themselves in other people's shoes. If you ever wondered how people could actually carry out these horrors, a large part of the answer is that they really are missing a piece here. Why this is the case is still subject to further research but it is so basic and fundamental to our understanding of human nature and the way we live that some admonition like the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is found in the religious teachings of practically every culture we have discovered so far.

And when you think about it, how much more important this will be in the future, since our personal interactions are so much more involved than they were in previous ages. If we analyzed those weeks that were just difficult and anxiety producing in our lives, if we could separate out the bigger issues that are also part of the anxiety, how much of it was because we had to deal with difficult people: people that don't read unspoken social cues very well- they dominate the conversation, they hijack the agenda of the group unconsciously, they charge on without reading the group, they don't respond when someone tries to re-focus the discussion, the raise questions that are framed inappropriately, they don't seem to know how or when to end a conversation. They don't seem to understand that they are creating a mess and their attempts to make things better are inept and ambiguous at best. All of these awkward social gestures create waves of unspoken anxiety in the group you are part of and no one knows what to do about it. The group feel dis-respected and di-empowered and their work environment is simply something to be endured. And you are, not surprisingly, miserable.[iv]

Compare that to another social gathering that you have to attend with a decent number of people that you don't know. How wonderful when someone initiates contact with you. How wonderful when they speak to you directly and look you in the eye. How wonderful when they ask you a question about yourself. How wonderful when they express verbally and non-verbally a gratitude that you met (or for the occasion that brings you together). How wonderful are those people that make sure everyone feels included, who wait until others have been served. How wonderful are those people that have absorbed the elementary lessons of social engagement that we have been teaching since they were 2. In these situations, we find ourselves in harmony, in synchrony.[v] It is a space we find comfortable. It is like home. We like to be around these people. And we are going to need more and more of them in the near future.

25 years ago, I was eating lunch in Manhattan the day that our federal law changed and we released several thousand psychiatric patients in a single morning. I was lunching with a friend that worked with me in psychiatry, he was in med school and I was in Div. school. One of these released patients was lecturing all of the diners inside/outside in a ranting speech that had everyone very uncomfortable. The waiters had informed the owner who was moving towards the phone to dial 911. My friend gets up and walks over to the woman and asks to speak with her privately. He tells her that she has pleasant eyes that remind him of his mother.

He makes a gesture of openness towards her and she stops her rant for a moment. He comes closer to her and speaks to her like a confidant. He tells her that he cares for her and he briefly reminds her of what will happen if the police and the EMT's come; he knows the drill and she knows it too. She'll spend the night in the ER and they will give her medications that she doesn't want to take. He says to her, “You don't like those guys and I don't like those guys either. Why don't we avoid them.” She is quiet for a moment. She turns to the restaurant and with one more rant that they are lucky this handsome young man came along and we can all go to hell. He turns, offers his arm and they walk down the block together. As soon as they are moving away, all of the diners exploded in applause with heartfelt gratitude. The guy was a genius.

We are going to need more and more people like that who are emotionally and spiritually attuned, that are empathic, and can demonstrate respect, compassion, and create a context of safety so that people can learn to get along together. We need more leaders like that in our churches. We certainly need them on our School Boards and our Town Councils. We need them to solve the big problems of the world like peace in the Middle East and we need them to resolve the smaller but no less delicate impasses that develop in our homes.

I think of two brothers whose Mother's health was in decline. She was in pain and her medical team was unable to relieve her of the pain, save taking medication which left her sedated and unable to do much. So her boys got more intentional about visiting her at home and bringing the grandchildren with them whenever they came to visit.

At some point, she declined rather quickly and both boys planned a visit together. The day that I came to pray for her, she was unable to sit up in bed, but from her view, her husband had put together a collection of photos of the two of them in college and one wonderfully striking pose of the two of them walking out of the church on the day they were married.

Later her sons arrived, with all of the grandchildren. She was laying in bed with everyone around her. One of her sons was a little alarmed at how weak she looked so he asked her, “Mom, how are you doing?” and then he clarified and said, “I mean Mom, how are you doing right now?” wondering if she was in too much pain.

She says to him, “Right now?” And he says, “Yeah right now.” She says, “perfect”.

We cannot stop death or stave off all suffering but we can read each other, know what each other need, and do for them what will complete them. That is the beauty, wonder, perhaps the miracle of compassion and empathy. “It changes the whole situation”.

Mother Teresa described her life in just those simple terms. To be a saint, she said that the only skill set she really developed was a cast iron stomach because the smells of poverty and death are putrid. But to each person that she came in contact with, whatever their state, she looked at them as though they were the suffering Christ, and she took on the role of care for that suffering. She gave them dignity, respect, and compassion in the midst of that suffering and it became redemptive.

You can be that person. Indeed, for some people that are closest to you, probably only you can actually fill the role, only you actually know what they need and could be the one to give it to them. Make someone perfect and as you go, May the Spirit surround you that you might become tinged with redemptive healing. Amen.

[i] Daniel Pipes, “Two Decades of the Rushdie Rules”, Commentary, October 2010, p. 31. Daniel Pipes is a Visiting fellow at the Hoover Institution at Stanford and Director of the Middle East Peace Forum.

[ii] This comes from Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence (New York: Bantam, 2005), p. 111 ff.

[iii] Ibid. p. 118.

[iv] Ibid. from the summary on p. 121.

[v] Ibid.